Advertising: Saintly and Otherwise

Seeking Virgin - for Holy Task

Certified Virgin, of good repute (letters of holiness required). Must have ability to say “Yes” on short notice to “an unexpected visitor” for a “surprising task.” Volunteer position.

One Dozen Followers Required

Busy people, already pursuing a worthy career, sought: to give it up – for volunteer following. Must be agreeable to leaving present career on short notice for “parts unknown.” Failure as an option is required. Hopes will be raised, but dashed. Not once, but twice – or more. Forgiveness will be taught and learned. Once-in-a-cosmos opportunity to help make history: Recruit others to follow same path, through belief in ultimate victory. Heavenly assistance provided, as asked for.

Well Diggers Seek Anchoress

Norwich Well Diggers, Inc. seeks young lady of ‘gudd repute.’ Prior history of visions helpful. Must be willing to reside as hermit and pray for well… Wells. Writing necessary. Ability to repeat phrases helpful, with vital need for repetitious use of the word “Well.”

Bird Feeder Needed

Know the language of Birds? Desire to leave wealth behind? You could be the one we need! Magnetic personality and ability to recruit followers to itinerant life of frugality and joy required. Poetry background helpful. Ample blood supply important.

Hippo Seeks Saint

Do you have a restless heart? Have you failed to find what fills that hole inside? Ever found Gnosticism wanting? If you combine an encyclopedic mind with a need to speak and write, we invite you to try sainthood on for size. You could be our next Bishop!

Fire Spotter Sought

We have a pillar equipped with nothing. We are seeking someone called to “higher office,” willing to watch day and night. Fasting and Prayer granted to right candidate. Good balance essential.

P O P E

WANTED: Someone seeking power - to loose and to bind.

Are you a male who likes old-fashioned dresses? Willing to make certain that illogical rules stay as they are? Can you insist on speaking a dead language? Willing to be called a four-letter word? Sorry, S & M devotees need not apply – celibacy rules!